Yesterday I went over my mom's house to celebrate her birthday.  I had already been feeling in a crappy mood because of lovely PMS, but I was determined to put it behind me since it was my mom's day.  Unfortunately though when I'm in that delicate of an emotional state, any little thing can set me off and oh did it.  My dad came over for dinner on Sunday.  I had invited him over in the summer, but because of his kid's crazy schedule it didn't happen until now.  The night was fine, we had dinner, all went well.  Then yesterday before I went over my mom's I sent him an email asking if he would be willing to contribute to our rehearsal dinner.  I wrote this long email saying nothing will change if you can't do it , it's totally fine.  I only asked because he offered to help with the wedding.  Most of the wedding we are paying for ourselves and we have planned it as such. 

So anyway, I send this email and then go over my mom's.  Well my sister and I came over and basically it comes up that my dad said something to the effect of why did Jill invite me over for dinner on Sunday, is she going to ask for money?  And that's what set me off.  I agonized for months about asking him for money, I've never asked him for that before.  One because no matter what he always makes me feel guilty and two because our relationship is still on shaky ground.  He offered though and Joe convinced me that I had the right to ask as long as I didn't expect it.  Which I didn't.  So to hear that comment just added to my hurt and then I just let 11 years of hurt come pouring out.  I started crying and spouting everything off that has been inside.  I dont' even remember what I said because it just came out so freely for the first time ever.  I have so many issues with my dad that I've never addressed and I still feel to this day that I can't talk to him about it.  It's like I have to forget it all or we're never going to resolve anything, which isn't fair.  So after like 10 minutes of this, I finally stop. 

Then I came home and my dad calls me leaving me a voicemail saying he had asked on Sunday how many people was in our bridal party because he had planned to help with the rehearsal dinner.  So that just sets me off again because even though my sister changed her story about the comment and it eventually came to be a joke, my dad continues to make me feel guilty.  I really was just trying to form a relationship with my dad again, but he doesn't get that it's a slow process because I have all these issues still left over.  So now all these issues are fresh in my mind which they haven't been for years and I wish I could get them out with him.  But my dad doesn't communicate so nothing will happen.  And now I don't even want to call my dad back and don't want to take his money because it comes with so much guilt.
 

Thanks for all of your comments.  I'm feeling a lot better.  Not 100%, but a hell of a lot better.

After much crying on Thursday and letting out some stress, I made a few decisions.

First,

I finally know what I want to do when I get out of college.  I want to be a software trainer.  Basically it's teaching, but for computer software.  I've gotten exposed to it and absolutely love it.  A lot of people say that I'll have no trouble getting into that after I graduate.  So now I just have to be patient and wait.  

So until then...I was feeling really anxious about my job.  I dont' know why, it just wasn't right.  So unfortunately I quit my receptionist job at the Avon School of Music before I even really started.  I took this last job because I was desperate and I was pretty miserable there, so I have to make the right decision.  So what am I dong instead?  Well I'm still going to do my dog walking, researching insurance and stuff for that now.  I'll contact some people who showed interest and can probably start walking their dogs now before I get that started and start gaining my references, continue working on my website and hopefully be in full swing soon.

Before that I'm going to earn some extra income by selling some Lia Sophia jewelery.  So I'm starting another business in essence.  But with this I can do it 2 nights a week for a couple of hours and make pretty much what I was making.  So if anyone wants to have a jewerly party let me know.   

So why am I doing all this?  Ok first of all I love the experience of owning a business, no matter how small it is and secondly it gives me a lot of the time during the day.  During this time I'm getting quality time with the dogs and I get to focus on school and gaining my certifications for software that I"ll use when I start my official career.  So it's kind of odd, but I'm still making an income and I get to focus on what is one of my most important goals right now, finish school.    

As for socialization, I'm going to work on it.  IF that means seeking professional help, so be it.  At least now I have something to keep me focused. 

So to update first of all, happy news my purse was returned.  So I have my phone again.  Very happy about that and the police have 2 suspects, so hopefully something will come of that.  Joe's window was repaired and didn't cost him anything which is awesome.  So things turned out well.

But the real reason I'm writing this post (and what seems to be my trend for livejournal, although if this is what I find to complain about in life, I should be exceedingly happy) is because I look on broadway.com this morning and see that there's going to be a London concert of Chess.  Yay!  Josh Groban is going to be Anatoly again.  Never seen the video, but from what I hear hopefully his acting improves, but I personally have not seen it, so I can't judge.  Anyway,. then I see who's going to be Florence.  Idina Menzel.  What?  Really?  Are you serious?  I have no problem with Idina Menzel, however I do not want to hear her yelling her way through the score of Chess.  I can hear it in my head now and I cringe.  I shouldn't judge, she could blow me away, but I really should become a casting director and then I could stop complaining.  

But on a happy note, it provided me with some fond memories of chess.  Oh Chess.

 So I just listened/watched 3 versions of Epiphany from Sweeney Todd.  On youtube they have all 3 versions, well Johnny's is the recording with pics from the movies, but close enough and they have the amazing Len Cariou's original performance from broadway.  And I thought I would compare the three because it's my favorite musical and even if no one reads it, I've enjoyed thinking about it.  I'll rank it in order from least favorite to most.

Johnny Depp- His Epiphany is so boring musically.  And he sounds like he's in a rock opera.  Honestly I like his voice, but not for Sweeney.  But if I heard that in a rock song, I would love it!  HE's a good actor, but he's just not what I see as Sweeney.  He isn't menacing at all.  And not to mention you hear Helena Bohnam Carter on it.  I love her as an actress, I do, but I can't STAND her vocals as Lovett and from whta I've seen, she is not Lovett.  I mean no one's ever going to live up to Angela, but I learned to like Lupone in the role.  Helena just isn't eccentric enough and I still think she's too young to play it.  Why oh why couldn't they cast Toni Collette, I have a feeling she would be freaking amazing.

George Hearn- He's a great singer and I liked him in the part.  But I always felt he went to the extreme of shouting instead of having some subtlety.  He does a good job acting, but he still doesn't live up to my favorite.

Len Cariou- Unfortunately in the video you can't see his facial expression, but his is the only version that has given me chills.  It was menancing, powerful, and had different levels.  The other bad part about the video is that you could tell it was later in the run when his voice was starting to get affected by coming out of the grave the way it was originally staged.  So he's a little more shouty than he used to be on the recording.  But still, his Sweeney is the definitive one for me.  Plus seeing him with Angela Lansbury in A Little Priest is sooo entertaining. 

All that said, I'm still anxious to see the movie!

So tech week has started for Cats.  It's kind of weird to come in on the middle of the production.  I'm already sick of the show, not because of the production itself, but I can only watch the show about three times before I'm like ok enough Cats.  I'm glad I'm doing crew in the sense that I have always appreciated crew and I have done it in the past, but it's good to go back to it and volunteer my time.  

I will be so glad when this week's over though.  I miss being home.  Joe finally has some free time, most of this summer he had rehearsal.  Now he has a couple nights a week where he's home and I'm in rehearsal.  Then next week when i can be home, he'll have rehearsal every night.  It sucks, we always seem to have bad timing.  I miss seeing him and my dogs a lot.  I know it's good to take a break and every once in awhile I need that, but now I just want to be with him.  So that brings into question what theatre am I going to be doing this year?  Joe's going to be extremely busy in the fall which would make sense that I do something in the fall, but then there's the thing if I don't do it opposite of him, the dogs are home all day and night.  I know they would be ok, but those are our kids and we don't like leaving them alone for that much.  It's amazing how those two creatures can create such happiness.

In other news I kind of got a promotion for work.  Which basically means a hell of a lot more work.  The work that was originally done by 2 people is now being done by me.  This is because my coworker who was the research team lead now has to be a recruiter to make some placements.  So now I'm in a leadership role, leading the interns.  It's crazy and yesterday I was feeling very overwhelmed, but today it's going pretty smoothly.  I mean it's wonderful experience especially since I haven't graduated yet and i have no idea what i want to do really.  

I so want to go home, change into my pjs, and curl up in bed with my dogs and nap.  Take a nice, long, hot bubble bath and relax.  The house needs cleaning as well, who the hell knows when I'll ahve time to do that.  This Saturday Joe and I are going to the medieval faire, that will be nice to spend some time together and do something we both enjoy.  No, I am not dressing up.

Alright, it's time to try to focus on work once again.  I've been working straight and hard since 8:30 except for the brief 30 minute lunch.  Im kind of fried.  And then I go straight from here to a 4 hour tech.  Joy.  However, I am not in the show dressed up as a cat in the hot Near West Theater, so I can't complain.